internal memo

Dear sweet body,
I am so sorry for the way I've treated you. When I think back to adolescence and the first half of college, all I can say in my defense is: I just didn't know. I took things out on you, as though you were the cause of the issues you were experiencing. I never would have thought the fuel I put into you (or failed to put into you) could be such a big piece of the puzzle. The depression, the anxiety, the paranoia, the stress, all things that are affected by how well I keep you going- with exercise, with lovin', and with food.

I blamed you for so many things, when you were really just a mirror for the condition of my brain. But still, you stuck by me, like you had a choice. I marked you up, starved you, lied to you, and then punished you. I indoctrinated myself against you, divided myself against you, and then wondered why my life lacked stability and unity. I am so sorry for the fool I've been. I laid off the heavy uppers, but I still trouble you with caffeine and nicotine. Will you forgive me my vices just a little bit longer? I know I've pushed you so hard already, but I'm trying now. You are my focus, you are a priority. Perhaps the priority. In any case, I am at least finally aware you that you SHOULD be my top priority, and if I experience conflict with you, it's because I haven't been paying you the respect you require to function optimally.

I have seen you perform so well for me. I did so much physically and mentally straining activity all through puberty and into my twenties without paying you much mind, and still I was able to perform well. Although when I think back, I wonder how much better I COULD be now if only I'd given you what you needed when you needed it most. I'd probably be a few IQ points smarter, at least. Oh well. I didn't screw us entirely, because I can still come to these revelations. I think I can undo some of this damage, if you'll hear my apology. I believe you will, because it appears we still need each other.

Some day, you and I will part ways. There's a lot I can learn from you until then; a lot I can teach you, too. And you'll go on, like I will, dispersed as organic molecules back to the earth. We are all hippies whether we know it or not.

<3
the brain