bender

I just yawned and exhaled smoke at the same time. I am the greatest.

It's kind of fun to watch us all grow, and become the fucked up things we all knew we'd turn into. You know, reach our climaxes of insanity in our own ways. The people whose shit eventually hit the fan, which eventually ends up being all of us. People burning out, blowing up, moving away, getting out, dying. All of the above. Each in our own eccentric ways. This addiction, that job, this marriage, that baby, this drop out, that winner- somehow it all seems to unfold perfectly, if not miserably at times. People who seemed very different from me five years ago don't seem that different at all anymore. It's like watching a whole generation simmer in direct proportion to the shit they've stirred up. And we've stirred up a lot of it. There were times I sat around in a room full of people doing unspeakable things, getting the feeling that this would eventually catch up with us one way or another. If it goes unchecked. Which it did. For a while.

And then one by one, our pipers (ourselves) came calling, reminding us the time we'd taken was on loan. And we are obligated now. To guilt, to money, to family, to choices we've made, and finally it seems we're out of energy to run away. I think we're out of places to run away to. The world is a smaller place than it used to be, and that increases the speed with which your demons catch up with you.

I would like to be able to say that there aren't people that I hate anymore. There are people I know who I feel sorrier for than others, or maybe am that I'm jealous of, but I have outgrown my adolescent repressed anger that made me categorize those feelings as hate. La-dee-da for me, eh?