not enough

On this particular day you explain to me that one person is not enough and isn't supposed to be enough. And you don't have to remind me how much time I've wasted trying to be enough, be good enough, be hot enough, be loud enough, be all kinds of all ways of "enough", whatever that fucking means. And I can say with full certainty that I am ready to give up on trying to be enough of anything for anyone else. That is truly a waste of time, and I won't even try to argue that it's not. I don't want to be enough for you and I don't want you be enough for me. Good enough is not good enough.

But when you ask me how your sex life affects me, how does it matter to me what you do when I'm not around, when I'm home and doing whatever it is I do when no one's around as if I even remember, I don't have an answer. I can't tell you why it matters and I wonder if I should have to. The language fails me, I don't answer. I don't know how it effects me but it does. I'd like to know it's okay that it does. But it isn't and I don't and I can't even tell you why and all these beautiful words aren't enough for me to bridge the distance between our mouths. Words are all I've ever known, but they're not enough for this.