addendum

“Like most women, I currently live in a society where violence, harassment and scary shit can break out at any moment, just because I told some random asshole “no” without bothering to be nice about it. Doing that is so dangerous that most women don’t dare; after a few scary incidents, they learn to make up excuses, to smile, to be sweet and welcoming, to act as if every single random asshole on the street is a precious new friend that they would just LOVE to stand outside of the Chipotle and chat with FOR HOURS, if only cruel fate had not intervened. That’s what it’s actually like, being a woman: Playing nice with every random asshole, because this random asshole might be the one who hurts you. And then, if he hurts you anyway, they’ll tell you that you led him on.”-- Tiger Beatdown

And if you run out of the energy to force yourself to think this way, you can get really good at making yourself believe that every single random asshole on the street really is about to be your precious new friend. You believe it so hard you stop remembering that you ever had to force yourself to believe, and when this gimmick no longer works, and someone is too rude, too scary, too pushy, you get frustrated and cry and never quite know what happened. You can get so good at lying to yourself that when you end up digging your own grave with these notions, you have no idea what your role in your own slow conviction and sentencing, was until they start shoveling dirt onto your head. And by the time that happens, you'll be glad just to remember who you are for the last few moments you can breathe. Your entire sense of what sense of self be has been permanently altered, and you'll be happy just to have it back for the last few moments of your life, and it won't even occur to you that you never got to use that sense of self. The important part is that it existed, even if no one ever knew about it. If you were a real person, you might feel regret, but you weren't, so you just feel relief.